South Africa has emerged as the best place to commit murder, it’s been confirmed.
“I’m after my mum’s inheritance a bit earlier so I’ve decided to arrange a holiday to South Africa to murder her. Also, she never bought me that Playstation I wanted in 2005. I haven’t forgotten” said Matt Clark, a Student from Oxford.
“I’ve planned it all out. Basically, when she goes out in the morning, I’ll pretend to be asleep and when she comes back in I’ll stab her with a butter knife – I’ll claim I was making breakfast and thought it was an intruder. She’ll be toast.”
“Sure, I have both of my legs – true, but remember, I am white and I’ll also have my mum’s inheritance. The most I’ll get is 6 years and only half of that will be spent in prison. A few crocodile tears and £20,000 to the judge goes a long way.”
His mother had the following to say:
“I’m really looking forward to my South Africa Holiday. Apart from the fact my son is apparently planning to kill me. It’s not the first time he said that, last time was when I didn’t buy him a Playstation about 10 years ago. But it’s all bollocks. When he realises that he doesn’t have any inheritance left due to Brexit, he’ll reconsider.”