Everyone still hates Azealia Banks, it’s been confirmed. Azealia Banks has recently taken to Twitter to launch a racist and homophobic attack on Zayn Malik. Despite attempting to apologise for her actions, it appears the general public still think she’s a knob. “She is just a bit of a twat really isn’t she?” says Matt…
A teacher today has declared that she is planning a holiday during term-time, despite protests from her school children and their parents, it has emerged. Jenny Plumtree, of Cambridgeshire, has been a Geography Teacher for 5 years. “Basically, sod it. Just sod it.” she commented. “It’s alright for little Timmy to go on holiday during…
Eamonn Holmes has compared a recent experience in Greggs with a pasty to that of Nazi Germany, it has been reported. Holmes, presenter for Sky News and pastry advocate, was involved in an altercation over a cheese and bean pasty. “I love a cheese and bean pasty. But it turns out that Greggs had sold…
Sir Cliff Richard has re-released “Millennium Prayer” after a file of evidence was handed to Police amid allegations of historical assault. “Basically, I’ve been out of the lime-light for a long time an it seemed like a good time to released new material. Plus, I could really do with a prayer right now.” he commented…
Fans of Game of Thrones have announced that they know how the show is going to end. “After watching the show for the last few months, I know exactly how it is going to end. I haven’t read the books but, let’s be honest, who has.” says Matt Pritchard, an avid Game of Thrones fan…
Louis Theroux is to explore the dark world of limp handshakes in a new documentary, expected to be broadcast next Spring. Theroux, known for his unusual conversational and communication style, admits he found this topic particularly interesting moving, whilst impossible to comprehend. “I usually like to appear innocent and vulnerable when posing questions to racist…
A man has received medical attention after choking on his own bullshit. Matt Clark, of Bristol was in the middle of retelling the time he knocked out a doorman with one punch to co-workers when he started choking and the emergency services were called as a precaution. “Bullshitting in such large amounts can be extremely…
An HR Administrator has decided to change her Job Title to “HR “working together” Leader, it has emerged. Felicity Jobsworth, based in Farringdon, Hampshire, has been employed in the HR team of a construction company for the past 2 years. “At first, I was employed as an HR Administrator, which completely made sense. However, since…
A man has today described his love of the fresh air whilst having a cigarette. “I love anything to do with the outdoors. At weekends you’ll catch me walking off a hangover along the docks and through fields. I’m planning on doing the “Three Peaks” challenge for charity next year and I’ve taken up golf.”…
A man has exclaimed that he’ll only “have a few tonight” to his friends. Matt Clark, an accountant from Oxfordshire, told friends in a showing of strength and will-power that he will only “have a few” and “can’t get too pissed” because of a busy weekend schedule. “My partner wants me to go to Ikea…
